Wednesday, September 17, 2003

What i haven't been saying but wanting to ...

Been a while since i've blogged and it's about time i wrote something. Had this whole story about how one of the projects i am handling is almost complete this evening. Production and installation has been done and i must say i would like to pat myself on the back but i dare not. This project has been like a jinx for me, everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. Not to mention i haven't done a good job at stuff .. it's like everything i do i have to doubt my abilities to get it done right for once. Doesn't feel good to get a project done and still having to feel that you should mentally prepare yourself for something to go wrong.

At times i feel like giving up and say "Maybe this job is not the right on for me.". Or "Maybe i should not give up and try harder." or "Maybe i am not good enough for this job." With me starting nite classes and the onslaught of projects, assignments and exams coming my way, i really still have doubts about getting thru this. It's really a toss of trying hard to really want to do a good job (and i don't mean a superb job, but a job with no mistakes or anything i overlooked and stuff), feeling demoralised and thinking if this isn't really the right job for me. I've been in this company for about 15 months i should have a good grasps of what i am supposed to do. I look at my two other colleagues and sometimes i really feel they could easily have done this without a hitch and i on the other hand seems to struggle thru it. Of course, anyone would say "But they've done this longer than you are and have had more exprience.". Yeah, true but still it HAS been 15months, i should be doing a better job than i am now.

This was supposed to be a blog to say, "I like my class and i am even looking forward to the assignment that will be given out to us tomorrow." That i am so thankful that i have my gfs and kenneth, darcy, my colleagues and my family's support. I know if i need someone to talk to they will lend me a listening ear. Darcy has mentally prepared himself for the loads of proof reading he has to do, i am sure some of my polymates and gfs will do the same as well. My dad has offered to pick me up from classes at nites which i am very, very grateful for. Wanted to say a big "THANK YOU" for all your support and giving me the strength to believe in myself to trudge on.

Honestly, i just don't know how much longer it will be before i hit that crossroad where i have to choose between work and school. I have no doubt in my mind that i will choose school, but does that make me a failure? Maybe the reason why i work late is becos i can't do my job on time and efficiently, i may seem like i am a workoholic but maybe it's just cos i can't do things right that is why i stay and work late.